When the opportunity to run a 10K in one of my favorite towns, to help raise funds and awareness for a great local organization presented itself, I couldn't resist.
My family has been going to Clayton for years. I always love stopping by each time we visit "The Islands". Whether it's to escape a "bad boat day" or to stock up on cheese from River Rat, this place holds many summer memories. So, when the Save The River 5K/10K happened to be going on during a weeked we were scheduled to be there, how could I not participate?
"This will my first 10K", I kept saying and after signing up in the beginning of June, the excitement grew as each week passed. I tried to stay honest with my workouts and early morning runs with Pina. Hills became a norm whether they greeted me in Spencerport, Tuesday nights, or on the trails with Amy. I started eating healthier and consistent and aimed to drink more water daily. Granted, it wasn't specifically to prep for the race, but it was always an afterthought while doing it. And it was also a great excuse to purchase new sneakers, too!Before I knew it, the morning of the race was here. I felt prepared. I felt nervous, and knew that the distance shouldn't scare me. It didn't either. I blamed whatever I was feeling
on the pre-run butterflies that hang out in my stomach before a race.
The St. Lawrence River was calm and the morning felt still, complete with an overcast sky and slight breeze.
We planned it perfectly and "Big Red" (aka our minivan) rolled into Clayton just in time to score a great place to park. James and I were one of the first to pick up our race packets and first in line to use the restrooms.
Everything was going great!
When it was time to begin, the blow horn sounded to send off all the 5K & 10K racers. It was one loop for the 5K and back around again for the 10K. Halfway through the first loop I noticed a few things. First off, I couldn't keep myself at a consistent pace. I kept going faster than I wanted to and holding myself at a 12 min pace seemed impossible. I tried to not let it bother me. I had a stitch to work out while trying to figure out why those damn butterflies were overstaying their "pre-run" welcome. The sun came out strong the minute the course veered away from the cool breeze off the river, but that wasn't hard to deal with. I reminisced about those cold long runs enduring negative windchill temps. What was hard? The growing feeling of loneliness.
The second half of the first loop seemed to take forever, but how? I kept at an 11:40ish pace, slowly passing other runners, stollers and families out for their "fun run". The course went out over a footbridge to a neighboring island and we ran around this quaint little housing track. As I approached the entrance I was able to see my husband run out and we slapped hands as we passed each other. It was cool knowing and seeing we were both in this!
As I approached the end of the first loop, the stitch I had felt better, but the butterflies, nerves and loneliness was pretty intense. My breathing was off and all I wished was that Pina, Melinda or Carrie was there with me. I had to make a decision, right then and there if I was going to keep going or finish to what I suspect could have been my fastest 5K to date. I was torn. I knew I'd regret not going for the 10K, plus of course when I put my ear buds back in my ears, (after the quick water station break) Bruno Mars happened to be singing the lyrics "You better run".) That was the sign I needed. And so I ran on.
I wasn't even done with mile 4 before I broke down. I didn't feel right and I was filled to the brim with self-doubt. I wondered how many were actually running the 10k. I felt like I was the only one out there as roads became more busy with cars. Did everyone running behind me only run the 5K?
As all of these thoughts raced in my head, I kept getting interrupted as race volunteers and crossing guards asked "Are you the last runner?" or "Do you know if anyone is behind you?"as I ran by.
Besides feeling like the slowest snail in the world, I FELT LIKE AN INCONVENIENCE.
I felt that my "slow a** " (to quote my inner voice) is "keeping these people out here" when they had better things to do.
I tried telling myself to just ignore them... To ensure my mind that, I WILL FINISH... But, after the 3rd time I was asked "Are you still racing?" (since perhaps she thought I could be a runner who was going on a "post-race-run" maybe??).. I was DONE, DONE!
I told the woman, who was just about to stop traffic for me that "I was still racing, but now I am dropping out." She replied "Ok, you can do that" and I proceeded to turn left and continue down the sidewalk down Main Street. I was about a half mile away from the start line. One of the toughest point five-zero mile walk in a long time. I cried... in anger at the race, in anger at myself and I was completely embarrassed about having to tell Yellow Jacket Racing that I DNF'ed.
I dreaded going up to my family, my in-laws and kids, that were patiently waiting to watch me run by and finish... that "I was done and that we could go home now".
I gained composure, and when I approached my incredible cheering section, I exclaimed "I wanted to run 4.67 miles instead". I think I was convincing at that moment in time... at least I tried to not let the kids see that anything was wrong with me.
Later, after debriefing with Pina, I was able to talk to James about the race. Talking really helped and I have high hopes for that next 10K race, whenever it may cross my path.
Not all runs are created equal, but every run can teach you something if you're open to learn. And that's what moves me today... learning from a tough run to make the next one stronger!!
